If I Counted Right,

It has been 18 days since my last post.

A lot has happened and I wish I could talk about the things going on in my mind, but I can't.

I just want to scream and yell and stomp and cry.

But I can't. I have to sit and fake it for certain people.

I apologize for having such a stupid post but I have no inspiration anymore. I really don't have any energy to live either.

I hope this all ends soon.

Never let your drunk friend give you a back massage.

I am sitting in my one of my best friend's bed writing this and I have learned a lesson: never let your drunk friend give you a back massage. My one friend that gave me a back massage is into a lot of spiritual stuff, which is cool with me, I'm not gonna judge or anything unless you shove it down my throat, which she doesn't. So anyways, last night two of my friends and I were just hanging out, drinking a little and such. You know, a girls night.

My friend, the spiritual one, believes she is a healer. Yesterday she offered to give me a back massage since I hold a lot of stress in my back and last night she brought the offer up again. I took the offer and received and an amazing back massage for about 45 minutes.

If only I had known I would wake up with pain in the middle of my back that I would feel whenever I moved. My friends are passed out on the floor but when they wake up I'm gonna remind them of last night. My other friend makes somewhat moaning noises when she is falling asleep. Which kept me up.

My healer friend said she could feel the tension in my back when she was massaging me. I'm not sure if it was tension or me in pain. But even though she was drunk, she reminded me many many MANY times that her and my other friend are always going to be there for me no matter. She knows that the past week  month has been really hard for me. I thought I knew who I was and what I stood for but then I entered the relationship I am in. But now I have no idea.

My boyfriend got me high for the first time a week ago on this stuff called demon and it is legal (I don't want to get in trouble haha). Is it bad that I want to go out and buy my own bowl and demon and smoke today?

Ugh, I'm home.

If you have seen one of my favorite movies, RENT, there is a scene that I identify with when it comes to coming home. Here is an okay quality version of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Lzs70MfXNw

So as always, I have a ton of work I should be doing but I'm not doing any of it because all I want to do is sleep and sit on my laptop. I'm not a huge fan of being home in the first place. I mean don't get me wrong, I love seeing friends and such but its just my father that makes me want to go back to PA. Also, I get a depressing feeling when I am home that has to do with like, how nothing will ever be the same. I understand that things will change and they will always be changing and I love change, but I don't like going back.

It's hard to sit at home and think of high school and how life used to be and that it isn't what it is now. My parents are going to start the separation process soon, (I think), my sister lives in Texas now, and I live in PA. I'm not sure why I find going back so hard, but I just do. But my father and I have issues and I'm not sure when or if I'll be able to get over them. He is also kind of a jerk and other things but I'll spare you.