Wednesday, March 30, 2011

If I Counted Right,

It has been 18 days since my last post.

A lot has happened and I wish I could talk about the things going on in my mind, but I can't.

I just want to scream and yell and stomp and cry.

But I can't. I have to sit and fake it for certain people.

I apologize for having such a stupid post but I have no inspiration anymore. I really don't have any energy to live either.

I hope this all ends soon.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Never let your drunk friend give you a back massage.

I am sitting in my one of my best friend's bed writing this and I have learned a lesson: never let your drunk friend give you a back massage. My one friend that gave me a back massage is into a lot of spiritual stuff, which is cool with me, I'm not gonna judge or anything unless you shove it down my throat, which she doesn't. So anyways, last night two of my friends and I were just hanging out, drinking a little and such. You know, a girls night.

My friend, the spiritual one, believes she is a healer. Yesterday she offered to give me a back massage since I hold a lot of stress in my back and last night she brought the offer up again. I took the offer and received and an amazing back massage for about 45 minutes.

If only I had known I would wake up with pain in the middle of my back that I would feel whenever I moved. My friends are passed out on the floor but when they wake up I'm gonna remind them of last night. My other friend makes somewhat moaning noises when she is falling asleep. Which kept me up.

My healer friend said she could feel the tension in my back when she was massaging me. I'm not sure if it was tension or me in pain. But even though she was drunk, she reminded me many many MANY times that her and my other friend are always going to be there for me no matter. She knows that the past week  month has been really hard for me. I thought I knew who I was and what I stood for but then I entered the relationship I am in. But now I have no idea.

My boyfriend got me high for the first time a week ago on this stuff called demon and it is legal (I don't want to get in trouble haha). Is it bad that I want to go out and buy my own bowl and demon and smoke today?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Ugh, I'm home.

If you have seen one of my favorite movies, RENT, there is a scene that I identify with when it comes to coming home. Here is an okay quality version of it:

So as always, I have a ton of work I should be doing but I'm not doing any of it because all I want to do is sleep and sit on my laptop. I'm not a huge fan of being home in the first place. I mean don't get me wrong, I love seeing friends and such but its just my father that makes me want to go back to PA. Also, I get a depressing feeling when I am home that has to do with like, how nothing will ever be the same. I understand that things will change and they will always be changing and I love change, but I don't like going back.

It's hard to sit at home and think of high school and how life used to be and that it isn't what it is now. My parents are going to start the separation process soon, (I think), my sister lives in Texas now, and I live in PA. I'm not sure why I find going back so hard, but I just do. But my father and I have issues and I'm not sure when or if I'll be able to get over them. He is also kind of a jerk and other things but I'll spare you.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Spring break and This I Believe

This week is Spring break, thank God. Well, Spring break actually starts after my morning class on Monday. I'm not going home though until Wednesday night because my plan is to get some work done so then that way I don't have to do work at home and instead I can check up on friends and such. 

I mean, there is a big different between me planning on doing work, and actually doing work. But we'll see if I get anything done. 

So my boyfriend and I are back together now but he is trying his best to look past my mess up. He might come visit me later this week at home since he has never been to Baltimore, where I'm from, and I might take him to D.C. since he has only been there once. We might check out some museums and such. But this might not even happen. 

I have to write an essay called "This I Believe." It is a project started by NPR many years ago and my college decided to assign it as an assignment. I have to write mine today because it is due tomorrow. Last year when I was a senior in high school I had to write an essay for this and I chose to write it on color. I LOVE colors and the role they play in society. I've decided what I am going to write this one on but I think I'm gonna keep it a surprise incase I decide to post it on here. 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

My Big F' Up

So, I messed up. Badly. My boyfriend and I are completely done now because I seriously screwed things up. The past few weeks things have been really rough for us. Before I dated him I was on a couple of dating sites (yes, lame, I know but I like to take advantage of the internet and reach out to people). Well over the past few weeks I had been logging onto the sites and just poking around and talking to a few people. But lately things between him and me had been getting better so I was easing up on it.

Well last night when I was asleep, he was on my computer looking for a site I showed him and went through my history and saw that I had been on those sites. I know I shouldn't have been doing that but in a weird way that was how I was choosing to deal with the problems, by distracting myself with other people.

Life sucks.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Ugh. Feet. and Tumblr

Yes, I gave into peer pressure. No, I didn't 'say no.' I wasn't above the influence. I... I...

I got a Tumblr. My friends have been trying to get me to get one for the longest time. I had one a few years ago when no one else had one and I didn't keep up with it. So if anyone has one and wants to follow me, and I'll follow you, mine is

I gotta draw 4 feet for my drawing homework. But I mean it could be worse, or well... more awkward. I could have been assigned to draw penises or something. And I have ice cream! Strawberry Cheesecake to be exact.

Thank God tomorrow is Wednesday. Hump Day. Half way through the week. Yayyyyy!

I hope everyone else is having a good day =]

Off to draw feet.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Week from hell

This past week was a very, very long week between all the homework I had and all the drama that occurred. My boyfriend and I broke up on Valentine's Day but then a few hours later we got back together.  But then on Thursday we broke up again because I couldn't take him calling me names whenever he gets upset. Later on the day got a lot worse when he was texting me and was saying horrible things.
I was with some friends at my apartment as they comforted me but they ended up losing part of my expensive Valentines Day gift (I got this thing called BuckyBalls that are SOOO much fun), and while looking for the lost balls, my one friend broke my lamp.

So in the end, my sort of ex boyfriend and I are kind of broken up/kind of on a break. I really have no idea what we are. I love him, I really do, but I just couldn't take the name calling anymore, along with some other issues we had. I told him we could get back together if he changed and so far the past few days have been good but thats how things usually are after we fight; things get better for a few days and then we fight again.

And I am now avoiding doing any work by sitting on my laptop and watching Spongebob. I can't avoid it anymore though. This next week is filled with loads and loads of homework, I'm just praying that there won't be drama.